


stars fade but i'll always be here

by zadonis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Christmas Time, Fluff, Fluffy, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, More Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:58:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zadonis/pseuds/zadonis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts on a rooftop, but the real beginning was years and years before then. Before their mouths knew the taste of cigarettes and sorrow, before they'd seen the world over and over again. The stars and the moon and the sun could fade away because all the beauty that he needed was right there, sleeping in bed beside him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stars fade but i'll always be here

/L/ 

Standing on the edge of the building and looking down at the yellow ant-like taxis was giving him a headache. Up there on top of the world, the chilly wind was biting straight through his jacket, nipping at his arms and rustling through his hair.

The cigarette in his hand was dangling limply, smoke floating away in the breeze like a ribbon. And it was quiet. Everything was so quiet - a total contrast to the loud rumble of life down on the ground fifty floors below.

Someone cleared their throat behind him, startling him just enough that his right foot slid forward an inch more towards the edge.

"What are you doing up there?" The familiar voice asked, slight amusement bleeding into the tone, almost overshadowed by the concern.

Carefully, the boy on the ledge turned to look over his shoulder at the older boy behind him. His hair was sleep rumpled, eyes puffy, and the jacket wrapped around his shoulders was one that had been stolen from the younger of the two just a week before.

"I'm thinking, Zayn. What are you doing awake?" Liam lifted the cigarette to his lips and turned back out to face the city.

Zayn took a few steps forward (now that Liam wasn't watching) and leaned against the ledge to look down the dizzying stretch that led to the hard ground below. "I needed a smoke. Get down from there, yeah? Don't want to go scrape a Liam pancake off the pavement."

He sighed in relief when the other boy slowly turned and lowered himself down to stand back on the safe part of the hotel's rooftop again.

"Gimme that." Zayn mumbled as soon as Liam was standing up straight beside him again. He swatted at Liam's hand until he gave him the remainder of the cigarette. "Don't know why I ever let you take a drag off one of mine. I started a real problem with you, Leeyum."

It's true that it was the Bradford boy's fault that Liam now smokes at least once a day, but Liam was okay with that because it gave him an excuse to go out and join him when he went for smoke breaks. Liam no longer had to always coincidentally need some "fresh air" at the same time as Zayn.

"'s not your fault, Zaynie. It was inevitable, really." Liam mumbled as he watched Zayn tilt his head back and blow a stream of smoke into the early morning sky.

He was beautiful. So  _fucking_  beautiful that Liam couldn't deny it. Zayn was beautiful in more than the way that the sunlight hit his skin, more than the way that his eyes shone with laughter at the silly dream that Liam began to tell him about. The very air that surrounded him was made more beautiful just by Zayn's presence.

Liam tried not to fawn over him, tried to not show too much of his fondness for the older boy when they were on stage, in the eye of a camera, or around the other boys.

He was a bit of a failure at that. But at least everyone knew Zayn was beautiful because otherwise things could've been awkward when Liam was caught gawking at him.

/Z/

Zayn didn't know how none of them noticed. He wasn't exactly sneaky about the glances that he took at Liam. Actually, he thought he was rather obvious.

The way he watched the younger man when they were backstage, zooming through quick changes, when they were in interviews and Liam was talking, his lips moving so prettily. Mostly there were the times it was only the five of them, and somehow they'd ended up piled together on one sofa with their limbs entangled. Liam and he were usually the first to initiate the pile, somehow gravitating towards each other, and maybe Zayn would draw the larger boy against him to steal some of his warmth.

But none of them noticed, or if they did, they didn’t say anything to him. None of them even knew that he liked boys, really, except for Louis who’d seen him drunkenly snogging Ant one time when his old friend visited on tour. Him and Ant, though, they were never anything serious. Just friends who could mess around if they wanted to, and the other boy was straight; he was just helping out a friend who’d been confused for a while.

What Zayn felt towards Liam, though, that was completely different. He wanted to spend all of his time with him and do weird coupley stuff, more than just _stuff._ Sometimes Zayn didn’t really want to admit – even to himself – that he had genuine feelings for the younger boy, but how could he deny it when his heart pounded heavily in his chest at the sight of Liam’s chest, revealed by the shirt caught in his hoodie?

Even that morning when they stood on the rooftop of their hotel, smoking like chimneys and laughing about dreams, Zayn’s heart was throbbing in his chest because the wind was tousling Liam’s hair and the cool air had brought a pink flush to his cheeks. He wanted to lean in and taste Liam’s mouth, lick out the tang of cigarettes and flavor of the coffee that Li had surely had before coming up here.

Before he could move forward to do that, the door opened again, and Louis came bounding out. There was a particular bounce in his step and a gleam in his eye as he came over to throw an arm over Liam’s shoulder, one that Zayn recognized as his look of mischief.

“What’ve you done now, Tommo? Set your bedsheets on fire with your lighter again?” Zayn’s lips quirked up in his signature smirk.

“That was one time! No, I’ve not done anything. At. All.” He winked and stole a newly lit cigarette from between Liam’s fingers. “In fact, I’ve been up here with the two of you this whole time.”

Five minutes later when Liam began complaining about the chill in the air, they descended back into the warmth of the hotel. “I’ve got to call Soph, anyway.” He mumbled, patting his pockets for his phone until he remembered that he’d left it in his room.

Zayn felt his heart bob in his throat, choking him and making his stomach ache. Sometimes he forgets that Liam’s still got Sophia; he forgets that he’s the only one single in the band anymore. Harry’s got Cam, Niall’s got Fleur, and Lou’s still with Eleanor.

It’s been a few months since he and Perrie split up, calling off the engagement and the relationship all in one go. The decision hadn’t been a complicated one, they both understood why it needed to end. They’d stayed in the house that night, curled together on the bed in amicable comfort, telling secrets about their relationship that they felt free to tell each other now that it was over.

She told him that she’d hated how he was never around, he told her that he hated that it seemed like they were always on opposite sides of the world, even when they were both in London. She told him that she’d always wanted someone who could be there in an instant, he told her that he thinks he might fancy men.

That night had been an experience. Especially when she’d held him in her arms as he felt his breaths stutter in his chest at the confession.

Zayn had honestly never met anyone quite like Perrie. He loved her with all of his heart, but not in the way that either of them had been looking for. The best part of her was that she was understanding; she ran her fingers through his hair and whispered that she knew, that she’s known for a while.

“It’d be difficult not to know, Zen. I’ve seen the way you look at him. Don’t think it’s ever been a secret really. Most people are just too thick-headed to see it.”

The next day, she packed up her things and moved out to live with Jade for a while. Two days after that, the story flooded the world and people everywhere seemed to be having mixed reactions to the split. Over all, the fans seemed pleased with the outcome.

But now that he was here, six months later, he sometimes misses being around Perrie and her bright, bubbly personality that could turn tour life interesting just when they were all falling into the lull of travel, show, sleep, travel, show, sleep. After the split, he’d realized that she was just meant to be one of his best friends, and although they’d not seen each other in person for going on five months now, he still called her every time that things were getting dull.

Zayn and Louis watched as Liam ducked into his room, closing the door firmly behind him.

“Malik, come with me. We need to talk.” The eldest lad in the band’s arm looped around Zayn’s tugging him down the hall, away from his door. “It’s been a while since we had a nice long chat, hasn’t it? Come in and tell the Tommo all of your problems.” He patted Zayn’s chest and held open the door to his suite, gesturing for the darker boy to walk in.

“What are you on about?” He grumbled as he moved over to the bed, face-planting into the pillows.

Louis made a bunch of noise as he moved around the room, brewing some coffee and seemingly bumping into every surface on his way. “You, mate, need to explain to me what you and Liam were doing up there.”

Zayn rolled his eyes and rolled over on the bed, resting his chin on his arms, eyes glued to the headboard. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just smoking. The idiot was standing up on the ledge when I got up there. You’d think the boy’s got a death wish with how often he does that.”

Louis hummed in agreement into his coffee mug and moved over to sit _on_ Zayn, his body settling down on Zayn’s back, knees on either side of him. “Payner is an idiot, you got that part right, but he’s our idiot.” He bounced up and down on Zayn, causing the other boy to whine and squirm even though his protest was useless. “I’ve been watching you recently –“

“Cos that’s not creepy.”

“-And I’ve noticed something interesting.” Louis sat the coffee mug down on Zayn’s back, right between his shoulder blades. “You get this funny look in your eyes…”

Zayn groaned and bucked his hips, attempting to knock Louis off without spilling the hot beverage. “Lou, move. Get off me, you lump.” He reached back to swat at the older boy’s thighs.

“Z,” Louis moved off the other boy, giving him the room he was asking for. “Look at me, bro.” He knocked his fist against Zayn’s arm. “It’s been a few years now that we’ve all known each other. I’ve learned the faces that you make when you’re trying to pull, and I know how you were back when you started with Perrie and you went gaga-faced around her or just when you spoke about her. Mate, you’re in love, aren’t you?”

Zayn froze, staring up at the ceiling. “And if I am?” His throat felt tight again, and he dared not look at his friend.

“Then good for you, buddy. Who’s the lucky person?” His voice carried the tone of a smile and Zayn finally rolled his eyes over to catch a glimpse of Louis’s face and the wide grin stretched across it. “C’mon, mate. Girl? Boy? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that.” His finger poked at Zayn’s arm and in turn the younger’s cheeks began to heat up.

“It’s no one. Just leave it, yeah?” He rolled over onto his side, and by some miracle, Louis dropped the subject, instead beginning to talk about something El had told him.

/L/

It was Zayn’s body pressed against Liam’s back, warm and _there_ in the middle of all the hectic crowd outside the shops. It was the light touch against the base of his spine, pressing him forward as they were ushered through to the SUV.

Once they were safely shut inside the dark vehicle, the sound of fans muted outside the windows, Liam tucked Zayn into his side, burying his face in the older boy’s hair. He smelled like winter, the chill of frost, and the sting of cigarettes.

“Leeyum, what’re you doing?” He chuckled, reaching up to pat at the scruffy cheek pressed against his temple.

“Cold, Zaynie.” He mumbled and moved closer, wrapping his arms around the boy. “Wanna hot tub when we get back to the hotel?”

Outside, the December streets flashed by covered in snow and ice piles, snow flurries hit the windows, and pedestrians were bundled in coats and scarves. When the driver turned on the radio, it was a Christmas song that was blaring from the speakers. The heat of the car was getting to Liam, making his eyes droopy, and he began to doze off.

That was when Zayn’s voice – quiet, gentle, lullaby-like – sang along to the lyrics with his fingers tracing lines on Liam’s thigh. “I’m just gonna keep on waiting, underneath the mistletoe.” He hummed the rest of the ride, lulling Liam to sleep – dreams full of snow and mistletoe and kisses that scratched across his jaw.

/Z/

Their last concert before the brief winter break was intense. When they came off stage, Zayn’s body was still thrumming with the energy and the intensity of the fans screams. All five of them were pumped up, buzzing and jumping around. Niall was dancing around Harry, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck, grinding his hips against him. Louis was running ahead of all of them, shouting down through the inner parts of the stadium, and high-fiving everyone that passed by him.

Behind him, Zayn watched Liam fishing his phone out of his pocket, typing on the screen, a grin and a blush decorating his face.

“Who’s that?” Zayn felt his good mood dropping even as he playfully nudged his bandmate’s hip with his own. He was fairly certain that he already knew who was responsible for the happy look and it wasn’t just the fans.

Liam looked up at Zayn through his eyelashes, batting them with a dumb smile. “Soph. She was just sending me a picture of my present wrapped under the tree.” He chuckled and Zayn felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest, a mangled grin of his own pulling at his lips.

“Cool. I’m, uh, gonna go for a smoke before we leave. Let Paul know that, yeah?” The words had barely left his lips before he was rushing past Niall and Harry who had each other pinned to the wall, giggling and acting like the four year olds that they truly were.

The door that led out to the back of the stadium where their buses were loudly banged against the wall as he burst out, jerking his hands through his previously perfect hair. He was gasping for breath, finding it hard to pull in enough oxygen to sate his needy lungs and rapidly pounding heart. And even with the breathing complications that he was suffering, Zayn still fumbled for the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket and the lighter in his front.

“Fuck. Shit. Goddamnit!” The pack was bent and crumpled in such a way that his shaking hands couldn’t get a single one out. He lobbed the useless thing at the rocky ground beneath his feet, singling out a particular patch of earth to take his abuse.

His hands shook as he reached up to rub at his eyes, wet with tears of an unknown origin and stinging from the cold air.

Sometimes Zayn just really wanted to forget that Liam had another life outside of Zayn, the boys, and the band. He had Sophia, he had other ex-girlfriends and friends, and he had an engagement ring sitting in the back corner of his underwear drawer that he’d told Zayn about years ago. Liam was just waiting for the right moment and the right girl to give it to. Surely, he’d found that in Sophia.

Zayn gnawed at his lip until it was raw and bleeding, until he felt like it had been a long enough amount of time for him to cool off. He bent down to grab the wrinkled pack of cigarettes, scuffed his boots through the gravel, and crossed the lot to the buses.

*

“Hey, Zayn, are you awake?”

That voice was not one that Zayn could typically expect to hear when they were on a short break from touring. Usually that voice was on the other side of the planet from him and would at least call before dropping by. Apparently, this time was completely different seeing as Harry Styles had decided to let himself into Zayn’s home on the third day of their break in the middle of the night. Giving him one of the spare keys had been a terrible idea.

“Of course I’m not fucking awake. What do you want?” Zayn grumbled into his pillow, rolling away from the source of the sound and the faint glow of light from the hallway.

Soft footsteps, muffled by the carpet, came closer and closer until the mattress sank down beside Zayn. He felt the heat of Harry’s body roll across the mattress until the younger boy was curled around him, all of his limbs braided over Zayn like an octopus.

“I was out with Liam last night, earlier tonight, whatever, and he was wasted as Liam gets, you know. He started saying some funny things, mostly about him and Sophia.”

Zayn, who had honestly been dozing off to the monotonous tone of Harry’s voice, suddenly jerked back awake at the mention of that name. “Get the fuck out. Why the fuck would you break in here at fucking arse o’clock in the morning just to tell me some shit story about Liam and her? What’s wrong with you, Harry?”

Harry made a snuffling noise at that and nuzzled his nose into the back of Zayn’s neck, running the tip of it down the vertebrae. “I was talking to Louis last week,” his warm breath sent shivers down Zayn’s spine, but he continued talking as if he hadn’t felt the physical effect of his words. “He seems to be under the impression that you’re in love. And here I was thinking ‘ _no, I’m imagining that look I see when he looks at Liam. That’s just the fans and their crazy shipping getting to me.’_ But then Lou tells me that you’re in love, heart-eyed fondness in love, but you wouldn’t tell him who it was.

“I’ve got no proof, of course, just my own silly observations about the way you light up when Liam’s in the same room as you. Hell, Zayn, I don’t even know if you like boys.” His fingers were cold when they slipped under the edge of Zayn’s t-shirt, leaving icy trails in their wake as they danced across his abdomen, coming to a halt over the black heart tattoo on his hip. “But some part of me hopes that I’m right because you being in love with Liam would explain so many things from the past few years. The sudden split with Perrie, the awkward boners backstage, Liam’s break down last Halloween that he made me promise to keep a secret from you.”

Harry’s voice suddenly cut off and Zayn felt his heart beat heavily once in his chest before he flipped over onto his other side to face the young, green-eyed beauty.

“What do you mean he had a breakdown last Halloween?”

The bright green eyes glowed back at him in the faint light that was spilling in through the window. “Sorry, mate, can’t tell you. He promised me to secrecy.” He lifted a hand to his lips and motioned zipping them shut and locking it up, throwing away the key. “But I can tell you what he told me when we were out earlier tonight.”

Zayn reached forward to pinch at Harry’s exposed hip. “What makes you think I really care, huh? I’m not in love with Liam, you know? That’s just ridiculous, Harry.”

Silence fell between them for a few moments, broken only by the sound of the grandfather clock in the hallway ticking.

“He said he doesn’t love her.” Harry’s voice croaked into the deafening silence. “Liam said that he doesn’t love Sophia and they’re only staying together for convenience because neither of them want to have to go through the process of dating someone new.” He shifted around on the bed, breaking contact with Zayn and leaving the older boy shivering from the lack of shared body heat. “I’m not saying that you have a chance - if you even want one - I’m saying that you don’t have to get that wounded puppy look on your face every time that she’s even mentioned. They’re friends staying together because it’s familiar; that’s it.”

With those last words, Harry withdrew completely to leave Zayn with his racing thoughts, shutting the door quietly on the way out.

/L/

Christmas morning dawned stormy and damp, the ground covered in mushy slush and the sky dark with clouds, but broken by flashes of lightning at regular intervals. Liam’s head was pounding from the night before. Louis’ birthday bash had been a spectacular event that Liam wished he could remember, but he’d gotten roaringly drunk as soon as he stepped inside and from what he could remember there had been half a pack of cigarettes, two joints, and a blur of burgundy and cinnamon skin that he vaguely recognized as Zayn.

“Liam?” His mum tentatively whispered, pushing open the door to his room in her home. “Liam, Sophia’s here.” Judging by the cool draft that wafted into his room carrying the smell of cinnamon buns and bacon, she’d left the door open when she left, so he dragged himself out of bed and into some clothes.

Coffee was brewing when he reached the kitchen, his mother and Sophia were sitting at the table, laughing and sharing stories. He passed by both of them, heading for the cabinet and then the sink for a glass of water that would hopefully help alleviate this hangover.

“Aren’t you going to say hello to your girlfriend? I thought I raised you better than this?” Karen pouted behind him and Liam sighed into the water, watching his reflection in the window over the sink.

The truth was that he and Soph had been over for a long time. They only stayed together for appearances and the friendship. Liam was honestly getting tired of pretending to be in a loving relationship with this woman that he’d known as a friend for so long.

He set the glass down on the granite work top and turned around to face the women at the table, his sister Nicola now having joined them. Two of the three of them were watching him, eyes narrowed, expectant. Sophia had her eyes cast down at the table, focusing on her manicure, but her gaze flickered up to him as he began to walk towards them.

“Morning, Soph. How was your night?” Liam murmured as he pressed a kiss to her forehead and slipped into the seat beside her.

“It was great, Li. I’m sure your night was much more eventful, huh?” She smiled sweetly and reached up to run a careful hand over his hair. “From the pictures I saw getting spread over the internet, Louis’s party was the place to be. Sorry I couldn’t make it.” Her hand slipped from his head and down to his lap where she squeezed his fingers in apology.

He found it hard to swallow sometimes. The lies that they fed each other only grew more and more nauseating as time passed by. Especially when there were others around to witness their lies-only diet.

His father and Ruth and the few other houseguests soon drifted down to the kitchen and breakfast was served. Bacon and cinnamon buns and scrambled eggs. Liam was grateful for the food to prevent him from having to suffer his family’s questions about plans for he and Sophia.

It was after breakfast and after presents and after lunch that he finally got a reprieve from his family. That led Liam up to his room, to curl up in his bed and stare between the wall and his phone until he grew bored of that and just stared up at the ceiling, listening to the wail of winter wind, the deep grumble of thunder, and the everchanging cadence of his family’s voices outside his door.

He didn’t hear the door open or close, or the footsteps that tread across to his bed. “Li, why’re you up here?” Sophia whispered, sliding into the sheets beside him.

“What are we doing, Soph?” Liam shifted around until he was perfectly flat on his back with his eyes closed and one arm tucked behind his head. “Like, we both know what’s happened between us; there’s nothing really romantically here anymore, don’t try to deny it. Why are we still together?”

The sweet familiar scent of her perfume invaded his senses as she slid her hand over his chest, scooting closer until she was tucked against his side, her head on his chest. “I think we’re together because if we break up, you’ll have to explain why to your family. And somehow, you still aren’t ready for that.”

“Ready for what?” He demanded, tilting his head to look down at the top of her head.

“Nothing, Li.” Her lips pressed to his chest. “Nothing at all.”

/Z/

Going back to tour was somehow more difficult this time than it had ever been before. Maybe it was because of Harry’s revelation to him that one night, maybe it was because of Liam’s drunken behavior at Louis’s birthday, either way when that morning came and his alarm sounded, he found it heart-wrenchingly tough to pull himself out of his parents’ cozy home and out into the dull January morning. He didn’t want to be bundled in a leather jacket and a beanie with snowflakes gathering on his eyelashes until he burnt them away with the heat of cigarette smoke. He wanted to be tucked into bed with dreams of sweet caramel lips dancing through his head.

The airport presented him with the most difficult portion of the morning. He had to fight his way through fans and paparazzi, waving and stopping for a few obligatory photos. Security was a hassle as always, and then he was finally shuffled into a room where he found Niall already waiting, the other three had yet to arrive.

The Irishman seemed to be in bright spirits, ready to get back on the road and play a few dozen more shows before the tour ended. “Just think, Zayn, there are fans that probably received tickets to these next few shows as Christmas gifts, they’re completely unprepared and those are always the most fun times. The ones that you don’t wholly expect, but they happen happily anyway!” He was chipper as always, chattering away as Zayn settled into a seat, optimistically hoping for a nap before they had to board their flight.

Luckily, Harry arrived soon and he distracted the other lad by showing him a new app on his phone.

Louis arrived with twenty minutes left until boarding, flopping down onto the seat beside Zayn, nudging him with his toes until he was back to full consciousness.

That just left them to wait for Liam who was atypically late.

It was when Paul came in to usher them to their jet, when they’d all picked up their bags that they were taking on the flight with them, that Liam skidded in through the door, his face pink, eyes puffy, and his appearance an absolute mess. “Sorry, I’m so late. I had some last minute stuff to do.” Zayn smelled it from a few feet away, the spicy scent of his cologne mixed with the mint gum that Liam chewed.

Zayn flashed back to the night of Louis’s party. Of his first sight of Liam when he walked in, the younger man already halfway to drunk judging by the dopey grin and the beer dangling from each of his hands. He’d zeroed in on Zayn as soon as he passed through the door, licking his lips and depositing one of the beers in the hands of someone that he walked by.

“’Bout time you got here!” Liam had hiccupped and looped an arm around Zayn’s shoulders. “Tommo said that we’d be lucky if you even showed up, and I’d consider myself the most luckiest man in the world right now.” He grinned and took a swig from the bottle. “How’s your holiday been, mate?”

“Alright. Yours?” The voice that left Zayn’s throat was strained, the conversation stilted like they weren’t two guys that had known each other for years and as close as two people could be.

Liam moved away from Zayn’s side to stand in front of him and had scrunched up his face in that adorable Liam-smile that made his cheeks nearly eclipse his eyes. “I’ve been wonderful. Been thinking about getting a new tattoo, been catching up on telly. I’ve been thinking of you.” His thumb reached up to twitch over the unshaved scruff of Zayn’s jaw. “That one I’ve been doing a lot.”

Zayn watched his best mate’s throat bob, watched his dark eyes blow wide with hunger, and watched his pink tongue part out to wet his pinker lips. “Yeah? You’ve been thinking of me?”

Just as he began to nod his head yes, someone stepped between them, breaking the moment with a loud laugh that pushed Zayn a step back; the sudden noise had frightened him as if he was a baby deer. By the time that he’d regained his focus on what he and Liam had said, the Wolverhampton boy had already been swept away, back into the crowd cloaked in weed smoke.

The next time he’d found him, Liam was sitting outside on the back patio of the ski lodge Louis was renting for the night. Liam was like a man-child in the way that he sat up on the top of the low wall, dangling his legs over and swinging them back and forth while humming what sounded oddly like Winnie the Pooh, and smoking the burning remnants of a cigarette.

“Hey, why do I seem to always find you on top of walls?” Zayn inquired as he lifted himself up to join his bandmate.

Liam shrugged and continued to puff at the cancer stick in his mouth.

“Give me that.” Zayn reached over to pull it from Liam’s lips, stubbing it out on the small stretch of stone between them before flicking it out into the dark night around them. When he looked back at Liam, Liam was already watching him. Dark cognac eyes wide in the dark and focused on Zayn’s movements. Something about the way that he was watching him made the next question pop out of his mouth. “So how are you and Sophia?”

The boy in question seemed a bit taken aback. “We’re great. She’s not here now, though. Soph had a family thing, and Lou’s my family, so that’s why I’m here tonight instead of there. She understands. We both understand a lot of things about each other. We’re great, Zayn. Me and Soph, we – we’re great.”

Repeating the phrase “we’re great” didn’t exactly reassure Zayn of that fact, so he scooted closer to Liam, leaning his head on the broader boy’s shoulder. “Do you have anything on you to get rid of this taste in my mouth? Lou made me do some shots in there that tasted like shit.”

The ensuing search through Liam’s pockets caused the darker boy to be jostled about quite a bit until Liam came out with a caramel candy in one hand and a single stick of mint gum in the other.

“Take your pick.” His voice had been soft and he’d shuddered slightly when Zayn’s fingers brushed over the palm of his hand to snag the gum. A slow grin spread his lips as he watched Zayn take it away and then he was unwrapping the caramel candy and popping it into his own plump, pink lips, chewing it in a way that managed to make Zayn’s heart flutter with want.

He swallowed, eyes glue to Liam’s mouth for the second time that night. When his eyes flickered up to Li’s, he found that the other boy was watching his mouth too.

It wouldn’t take much, just simply closing a few inches of space, a touch of their lips, and he could kiss Liam, something that he’d wanted for the longest time.

“You! In the burgundy shirt, come in here!” Shouted a voice from the doorway behind them. They were a total stranger, but their voice still managed to pull both of the disoriented boys away from each other’s enticing aura. Zayn had disappeared inside to see what the stranger had wanted from him and his shirt, and Liam had sat out in the cold just a bit longer to cool off his body temperature that had risen just a few degrees.

But now in the airport, present-Liam looked a lot worse than that wasted Liam had. He looked sleep deprived and sad and like he needed to shower. There was no time for that now, but he could sleep on the plane and shower when they landed in ten hours.

Zayn was somehow the one who was stuck sitting beside Louis who decided that it was his job to take up as much space as possible. Liam settled in beside Harry and Niall situated himself across from them, completing the triangle of people that Zayn was glad to be separate from at that time.

“I just need some quiet and some sleep, Tommo. Leave me alone.” He’d muttered after the older of the two kept prodding him with his finger and whispering his name. “We can talk when we get there, but for now, shuddup.” And that was that.

/L/

The thoughts hit him like a train sometime in the middle of the night before they were due to start back on tour. Liam was just lying in bed, staring at the back of his eyelids, just beginning to catch onto the edges of dreams, and then an image flashed in front of his eyes. He’d gasped and shuddered himself awake, blinking up at the shadowed ceiling until he realized what he’d just realized.

The breath that left his mouth formed the word “fuck” while his mind screamed “You’re in love with Zayn, you idiot!” accentuated with forgotten memories of the few nights before. Memories like wondering if Zayn would taste like that mint gum that we was chewing or memories of going to sit outside in the cold and smoke a cigarette up on the wall, starting in on a conversation and.. oh – oh god, no. He’d told Zayn that he’d been thinking about him, that he’d been thinking about him a lot.

Had he though?

As Liam lay there for a few hours that both felt like minutes and felt like eternity simultaneously, he thought back even further than the party, he thought back to the days of break before that, to the sneaking thoughts of Zayn that had slipped in there, to the shows of this tour, the tours in the past, and all the moments in between. He thought back to the first time he really saw Zayn, saw Zayn as truly beautiful and lovely and -

“I like boys.” That realization was almost more shocking than the previous few. Up until that moment, he’d always considered himself one-hundred percent straight. Even when he found Zayn to be beautiful, even when he’d followed the other boy like a puppy, he’d considered himself straight, but now with this realization, Liam saw that maybe there was something there, not just in Zayn but in quite a few other men, that he’d found attractive, but he still liked women as well.

After an eternity of contemplation, he fell asleep.

First thing when his alarm went off, Liam called Sophia to get her opinion on all of this and she’d laughed at him (in a not-hurtful kind of way) and then told him that it was about time that they ended their relationship for good. “I’ll tell my people, you tell yours.” It was the best decision, really, they were better off as friends.

By the time he’d ended that call, he didn’t have enough time to shower and finish packing, and get to the airport. Liam slipped into a pair of sweatpants, a hoodie, and a pair of sneakers, quickly threw everything into a bag, and then he was gone.

Just in the nick of time, he arrived to board their jet and receive the strangest look from Zayn.

/Z/

Things were definitely awkward for the first few shows. Liam and Zayn could feel it, the other three could feel it, and the fans were definitely sensing something was wrong between the pair that had so fondly been dubbed Ziam. They weren’t interacting as much onstage, and offstage they barely spoke either. It was just like something had changed over the break, but no one could pinpoint what.

Zayn was in the hotel doing his laundry with Caroline’s help when Liam walked in looking like he’d not gotten any sleep the night before. It was probably a good thing that they had a day off there in the hotel so that he could relax.

“Remind me to go talk to Lou when we’re done here, Zayn. I need to talk to her about convincing Styles that he needs to cut that lion’s mane.” Caroline continued chattering, ignoring Liam’s presence until he moved over to the machine that was running beside them.

“You can go do it now, Car. I’ll be fine with sorting the rest of this out. If not, Liam here will help me. Right, mate?” Both the stylist and the other singer seemed surprised at the acknowledgement, but he nodded anyway to reassure her that they’d be fine.

A moment later, after reminding them both about which type of detergent to use, Caroline vanished out the doorway.

They were each quiet for a moment as they loaded their laundry, but as soon as Zayn had deposited all of his clothes into a washing machine, he turned to Liam.

The younger of the two was silently folding clothes from the machine that he’d already had running before Zayn and Caroline had even come down. A crease that resided between his eyebrows had Zayn wondering if Liam was purposely ignoring his presence, concentrating on not glancing over to see Zayn pinching his bottom lip between his fingers.

If someone were to ask Liam in that moment if he was aware of Zayn, his answer would’ve been _no._ No, he wasn’t aware of the way that Zayn’s eyebrow was quirked up in silent question, he wasn’t aware of the tilt of his head or the way that the hazel eyes were moving carefully up and down Liam’s body. He certainly wasn’t aware of the fact that they’d barely spoken to each other in the week that they’ve been back on the road.

He sighed and dropped the shirt he’d been folding back down onto the table. “Would you stop staring at me? I feel like I’ve got permanent burns from your eyes on the back of my head.”

Zayn felt his face flush with heat, his eyes moving from where Liam’s flexing arm up to his eyes. “Sorry, mate.” The clash of cognac connecting to hazel eyes was something that stunned the older boy momentarily, left him reaching for the edge of the table to balance himself. His cheeks felt hot as he took a step closer, inclining his head towards the other man. “Wanna come back to mine after this? We can watch the new Avengers film.”

Before he could second guess himself, Zayn reached out, brushing his knuckles over Liam’s bare arm, the four chevron tattoos. Fire bloomed from his fingers down to his toes and he withdrew his hand, sucking in a breath.

“Sounds good,” Liam murmured and returned to folding the clean clothes.

/L/

“Zayn, can I talk to you real quick?” Niall appeared out of his own room’s doorway, intercepting the pair that were heading to Zayn’s suite. “Really, fast, I promise it’ll just be a minute.” His eyes danced back and forth between Liam and Zayn and the former frowned, wondering what had gotten into this band in the past weeks. Everyone had been acting so odd.

The Bradford boy had nodded, told Liam to go ahead and then he followed Niall back inside. He wasn’t sure what Niall could possibly want with Zayn, but he wasn’t about to ask, so Liam headed down the hall until he found the correct door. It was unlocked as were most of their doors when they all stayed in a hotel like this where they booked the entire floor.

Already, the room smelled like Zayn. Cigarettes and mint and a hint of something extra. Liam was sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, watching a dumb American commercial where a mop was talking, when his phone began to vibrate on the cushions beside him. “Soph” was the name illuminated on the screen and for a second he considered ignoring it, but guilt won over and he pressed the ‘answer’ button. “Hey, Soph. What’s up?”

For a few long minutes, she yammered on about things that were happening in her life and then she asked the question that Liam knew, deep down, was going to come eventually. “How’s it going with you? With you and Zayn?”

He sighed and dropped his head down on the sofa back. “It’s not great, honestly. We’ve barely spoken at all, and there’s something wrong with the band. Things have been weird between all of us since we came back. Secrets or something, and I feel like they’re all keeping them from me.” He swallowed and rubbed at his eyes. “That makes me sound paranoid, but I know that Louis knows something that he’s not telling me.”

“You sound a bit stressed, love. Have you been sleeping enough?” Her voice was gentle through the phone, a tiny bit scratchy from the distance. “Li, you know I love you, and the boys love you too. They aren’t keeping a secret from you.”

“But, Soph, they are. I was just with Zayn and the way that he looked at me, it was like he wasn’t telling me something. His eyes were like wide and scared-looking.” His heart was beating irregularly in his chest and he couldn’t drag his eyes away from the advertisement on the screen. “I’m worried about it.”

The sound of a door closing was close enough to break him out of his reverie. “Gotta go, Soph. I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.” By now, that was a habit that they weren’t likely to break, and it was true but not in the way that it once had been.

He looked up to find Zayn walking in, hair a mess and face a bit off, like he was thinking too hard about something.

“Are you alright, Z?” He moved over a bit to make room for his best friend to sit down.

“I’m fine. Who were you on the phone with?” He sat down, drawing his knees up to his chest as he reached for the remote controller. “Was it Sophia? Again?”

Liam’s heart rose to sit in his throat. “Yeah, it was her, but, uh, we don’t talk as much as we used to.” He watched the darker boy’s brow fold in confusion. “We broke up. Over the break we realized it was all just a convenience; we’re still friends, though.” His cheeks felt a bit warm so he looked down at his lap to avoid Zayn’s gaze. “She was rather understanding about my reasons why I wanted to end it.”

“I’m sorry, Leeyum.” Zayn reached over to latch onto the other lad’s hand, squeezing firmly. “Why didn’t you tell us?” He slid closer until there was almost no space left between them.

“I just didn’t think it mattered, really. Are we going to watch Avengers, or just cuddle? Not that I’m opposed to either of those options.” Liam smiled, somehow finding a bit more space between them to squeeze closer to the older one.

/Z/

Ever since that night of cuddles and Marvel movies, that awkwardness between Zayn and Liam had vanished. They were back to being nearly inseparable, yet none of them knew what the problem had been in the first place.

On the morning of Zayn’s birthday, he woke up to the heavy heat of someone lying beside him and the thick scent of maple and spice that was recognizably Liam’s cologne.

When he batted his eyelids open, waking up slowly but surely, he came face-to-face with Liam’s smile. The scruffier boy had his head propped up on one elbow, his body turned towards Zayn. “Good morning, birthday boy. What are your plans for the day?” His eyes were like mahogany, solid and warm and drawing Zayn’s attention more than the tray of food at the foot of the bed did.

“Sleep a few more hours, maybe. Then we’ve got the show tonight.” Zayn mumbled through the sleepy haze that covered him. “Why? What were you thinking, Leeyum?”

The boy in question pushed himself upright to reach for the tray and bring it up to the head of the bed. “I thought I’d bring you some breakfast and then let you do whatever you wanted. But after the show, I’ve got a surprise. Tomlinson and Harry helped me plan it, so you’d better be prepared.”

Zayn nodded and moved around until he was sitting up straight with his back to the headboard. “What’d you bring me?” Pancakes drenched in syrup with a single candle stuck into them were sat on the tray with coffee and orange juice on the side.

“It’s not much, but the other day you were telling me that you’ve been craving pancakes.” Liam’s face went pink as he moved the tray onto the birthday boy’s lap.

Zayn’s heart swelled at the words, the thought behind this simple breakfast. “Thanks, Payner. You’re the best.” When the other boy began to struggle out of the soft bed as if to leave, Zayn reached out and grabbed his wrist carefully. “Where do you think you’re going? Do you think I don’t want you to stay? C’mon.”

So Liam slipped back under the covers with the “old man,” chatting with him as he ate and then falling back asleep with him afterwards. For the morning portion of his birthday, Zayn thought it was alright.

The next part wasn’t so great, though, but he knew that the evening could only be great.

First of all, it was Preston that was sent in to wake him and Liam up when it was time to head over to the stadium for soundcheck. He was rough and unforgiving about Zayn wanting a few more minutes sleep – “it’s his birthday for god’s sake Pres!” – and he pulled both of them out of the bed by their ankles. Zayn took the quickest and coldest shower of his life due to the hotel’s faulty water heater not being fast enough to keep up with him.

Then, he was informed that they weren’t going to stay in the hotel that night, they were going to have to sleep in the bus while they moved on to the next city. Not only was that going to be no fun, but it also ruined Liam’s plans for that night, so the younger boy pouted the whole way to the venue.

His mum facetimed him shortly after they arrived there and she and the girls and his father were all onscreen to wish him a happy birthday. Trish was teary eyed, Safaa was talking ten miles a minute about her school project, and Waly and Don were just smiling happily in the background with his father.

The show went off without a hitch, of course, and there was a wonderful moment when all of the fans began to sing happy birthday to him before even the other four lads could start up the song. Then Sandy, Jon, Dan, and Josh all came out with cans of whipped cream and sprayed it all on Zayn until he was covered with the stuff from head to toe.

Luckily, they only had one song left when that happened, so he performed as best as he could while covered in a lot of white cream. Midway through the song, Niall came over to him with a devilish grin and licked a stripe of the cream off Zayn’s cheek much to the joy of the fans and the amusement of the one being licked.

Once they were backstage and the other boys were going to the dressing room to change back into their normal clothes, Zayn disappeared to the showers to try and wash off most of the sticky topping. Before he could enter the room, he heard the rapid patter of footsteps behind him.

“Oof!” Zayn felt his breath leave his body all at once when the other, bigger body collided with his own. The deep chuckle from the other boy rumbled against his back and Zayn spun around to face Liam. It took him a moment to catch his breath, but when he did, he punched the boy in the arm, “Fuck, Liam. What was that for?”

He giggled again and looked down at his whipped cream covered front. “I wanted to get a little dirty.” Zayn felt his body flush with heat at the double-meaning behind Liam’s words. “And you taste great, Zayner.” The adorable wink that punctuated that sentence caused sparks to ignite in Zayn’s belly.

What he wanted to do was punch Liam, press him against a wall, and kiss him until both of their lips were sore and bruised, jaws rubbed raw with stubble. What he really did was roll his eyes and wrap his arm around Li’s waist, dragging him into the room lined with showers without another word.

The birthday boy had just begun stripping down to his birthday suit when he heard it. Liam was still standing behind him, his back against the wall, and when he spoke it was only a hoarse whisper that sent shivers down Zayn’s spine. “Zayn – Zayn, come here.”

Liam watched with insatiable eyes as more and more cinnamon skin was revealed by Zayn’s clothing removal. He repeated his request, stretching his hands out towards where his heart was focused, towards the warm boy covered in cream and ink, just skin skin skin and a pair of Sesame street pants that had a grin growing on Liam’s face.

When Zayn did finally turn around, Liam let out the breath he was holding. Zayn took a step closer towards his best friend, licking his lips and tasting the remaining whipped cream there, and then another step and another and another.

They were face-to-face, only inches apart from each other and holding their breath.

The need for a stress-relieving cigarette made his fingers itch even as he convinced himself to stay rooted to this spot, a hair’s breadth away from Liam with caramel eyes and lips tempting him. “Liam,” Zayn whispered, his cool, minty breath fanning out over Liam’s lips. “Liam, tell me I’m not imaging all of this. Tell me it’s not just me.”

“God,” Liam choked on his own words. “Thank God. No, no you’re not alone, Zayn. I thought I was.”

Both of them were silently hoping that they were both talking about the same thing. When Liam leaned forward to press his face into Zayn’s throat, licking and sucking at the whipped topping that still resided there, and he wasn’t knocked away, they both sighed.

Zayn knotted his fingers into Liam’s hair, pulled him up so that they were eye-to-eye again. His heart was throbbing, every inch of his skin pulsed with need, his fingers burned like there was an electric current passing through Liam and into him. “I just need you, yeah? More than I’ve ever needed anyone before.”

With those words, they both surged forward, crashing together with the force and the passion of the past few years all combined into one cataclysmic kiss.

Liam pushed into Zayn, gripping onto the boy’s slim hips, and slotted his thigh between Zayn’s. He drove them back until it was the older of the two with his back pressed against the wall, the floor beneath their feet damp, and the showerhead above them dripped cold drops onto their heads.

Zayn found himself grinning into the kiss, running the side of his thumb over Liam’s stubble in a way that tickled.

A whimper left the younger lad’s mouth and he pulled away to run a finger along Zayn’s cheekbone. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He ran the pad of his thumb over the bottom lip he’d just been kissing. “I may have not realize that I wanted to do that until just over two weeks ago, but I’ve wanted it since the first day we met.”

“This is romantic.” Zayn laughed, looking around at the grimy sports showers. “Are you going to stay while I shower off? I can’t stand being this sticky.” He looked down at the streaks of white that had begun to drip down his bare chest.

Liam grinned wickedly and reached down to the hem of his own shirt, tugging it over his head. “I’ll stay.”

*

They were happy and sleepy and together. Most nights, they stayed in the some rooms at hotels, but when they were on the bus, they had to take to separate bunks so as not to disturb the others boys. Hotel nights, though, they were heavenly.

And on the rare occasion, Zayn would be lucky enough to wake up before Liam.

It was early morning the first time that he did it. He’s still not sure what it was exactly that pulled him from his dreams so much earlier than he normally would, but he was grateful as soon as he rolled over onto his side and saw Liam’s sleeping form.

Sunlight the color of peach juice trickled against his skin, spilling over his side like waves crashing over the sandy shores of Liam’s skin. He was snoring softly, his lips pursed faintly, and hone of his hands was extended towards Zayn, fingers just barely brushing his arm.

He was beautiful. So  _fucking_  beautiful and Zayn couldn’t wait to tell him that when he woke up. Liam was beautiful in every single way and Zayn was a lucky man to have him. The stars and the moon and the sun could fade away because all the beauty that Zayn needed was right there, sleeping in bed beside him.  


End file.
